Love and the Void
by Nell-Lynn Perera in Creative Arts | No Comments Yet | Add your comment

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Once, I too identified and perceived Love to be what it is to most people. I don’t claim to know what it is today, but I do see it for what it isn’t and how ‘other things’ are believed and perceived to be Love.

Ask anyone about Love and they’ll have something if not lots to say about it. Their idea of what Love is. What Love means to them.

I was a victim of Love. And I paid the price. I walked through the fire. I burnt while I slept. And it’s true, what doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger. My strength lies in me surviving Love.

No longer will I ever put another up on a pedestal in the name of Love. That pedestal is mine.

The turn around did not happen over night as you might guess. It took aloneness, questioning my motives and why I had indulged in the relationships that I did, why I did the things I did, why I accepted the things that happened, why I chose to walk forward when I saw at the start what I experienced later. I was certain the answers were within me. I took the responsibility, I blamed no one. I understood that no one can make me do or feel anything. Only I could.

But like everything in life, this ‘understanding’ has come with a price, for today I am regarded as cold, odd, not normal, strange. I no longer play the game of Love ‘right’.

I learnt a great lesson two years ago from a friend. His name is Tim. He said, for the majority of people they seek another to fill the void, the space within them. And most often the other manages to fill it very well. But only for a certain amount of time. Then the void starts to appear, begins to be felt again. Arguments start. The void feels even bigger now. The other falls even shorter of filling this space. Two people ‘should’ enter a relationship when they are complete. Until then, they should not enter a relationship. Tim said, imagine a relationship where two people are complete, not seeking anything to fill their voids because there was none to fill?

I don’t think Tim would have thought I took his words or his question so seriously, but I did. I chose to because what he said had planted a seed within me.

Love means different things to people. But for all the differences, the biggest similarity lies in this; the search for love, lies beyond one’s self. We use different words to describe this. One such word is companionship. But if this was true, we’d be just as happy being with people whom we love, than that one person. Society has groomed us to think of ourselves as failures if we are alone and we have believed this. Self-love was never programmed into our psyche. Hence, the Void.

Once, I was ‘normal’ or at least my idea of Love was similar with the masses. Today, Love simply is. I can love you, but I do not have to tolerate certain things about you. I love you, but I do not need to say it everyday unless I want to. I love you but I do not need to validate this Love due to your insecurity. You either believe it, or you don’t. I have nothing to do with this. I do not prove my love because you are expecting and need me to. I love you but I do not need to be with you.

I know it isn’t easy hearing this from someone whom you love, especially if you’re used to doing all the above. Especially if your idea of Love is that.

Masaru Emoto’s water crystals have proven that feelings such as Love, can exist and be felt by water, even when separated by huge distances. And we consists mainly of water. Rilke quoted, ‘The only journey is the one within’. The abundance lies within. Love lies within us. Lord Buddha said, all attachments lead to suffering. Even the attachment to outbound Love. ‘Anything that we depend on beyond ourselves to make us feel good and safe, is undependable.’ Krishnamurti.

I stepped back, read, digested, watched and contemplated the words of the great philiosophers, gurus, poets, artists, people and replayed my behavior and beliefs of what Love is. I saw and (continue to see) how distorted and convoluted it was. The biggest flaw and revelation was that Love was an idea. Striving to live the idea of Love. I look back and I note when this started. When I was a little girl. I was rewarded if I was a good girl. Just being called a good girl was enough to keep me trying to aim to hear it more often. The good girl was a projected image of my self. Deep down I had always been good. But from an early age, I was ‘taught’ that what I do or say decided if I am good. I was also told to think of others all the time. And all the time I tried my best to. As an adult, in relationships, I continued putting them first before me. When the relationship failed, I was devastated. I plummeted. So deep I understood darkness. This was when I walked through the fire. It was also when the Void was biggest.

To love someone, is a growing up. I learnt this the hard way. I saw how I was needy, how I manipulated what I did and said, all in the name of Love, all because I wanted Love. It wasn’t love. It was insecurity.

The void, it lived in me for many years.

For the longest time.

But today, it no longer does.

Not anymore.

Love simply is.

I may not be complete yet, but I am not in search for another.

If you’ve come to me for your idea of Love, I shall disappoint you.

I know, because I was once you.

Today, I am.

ABOUT THE COLUMNIST

Nell-Lynn Perera’s favorite past times are writing proses and painting. Being able to connect with people through them has encouraged her to continue doing both with a growing passion. Many times upon reading her poems or looking at her artwork, people assume that she’s living through what she wrote or painted – not necessarily so. She writes to inspire people mostly, even if it’s through a dark piece of writing or art. In life, she’s realized most things are relative. And everything shall pass. This is the beauty of life.

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