The Invitation
by Nell-Lynn Perera in Mind+Body+Spirit | No Comments Yet | Add your comment

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Image: ‘The only journey is the one within’ – Rainer Maria Rilke

For years I have searched. Like you, I searched for love, peace and happiness within. I ‘educated’ myself with lots of reading. I pondered their truths, reflected on my actions, believed that I was equipped to meet life on these terms.

But I wasn’t.

I became terribly frustrated with myself for now I knew, but I still couldn’t cope with the challenges that came my way. I silently believed that I was worse off from when I didn’t know. I could not comprehend how this ‘knowledge’ which I professed to have, failed to apply when I needed to.

Today, I have the answers I have sought.
Today, I have more than merely these answers.
Today, I am.

I am, did not come easily. It came with lots of tears from having to understand and accept. It came with solitude. Solitude that I sought and that I hadn’t. It came from wanting to discover myself and seeing all the ugliness that I was. I was not who everyone believed I was. I was not who I appeared to be even to myself. I knew this.

I went around in circles for years. A rollercoaster ride that went in circles. Anyone watching me would have had a headache. I was suffering from a migraine!

I met Tim early last year. Our paths ‘crossed’ on Facebook. After a few months of exchanging hellos and emails, we met. We spent 7 hours, chatting and sharing about our lives. He mentioned Dyhan Vimal and about having attended these ‘Disciplines’.

Late last year, I came across an advertisement on ‘Discipline One’ and the next commencement date. I contacted Tim and asked him if Live and Inspire could sponsor me, one of their contributing writers. Tim answered, “We will.”

I was meant to go up to the 3rd floor for registration, but instead I ‘accidentally’ walked up to the 4th floor. Uma wasn’t there, I assumed I had made it there before her. I went in and walked around. It was a hall of some sort. Empty mostly with the smell of incense burning. I saw a wall. It had framed pictures of people. I walked closer and as I stood facing this wall, I took a step back. Two philosophers who I had devoured in my readings and who had supplied me with this ‘knowledge’ I so believed I had, their photographs were staring at me. Now, I was really excited about learning more about this ‘Discipline One’.

The 5-day course did not reveal what I hadn’t known. It revealed exactly what I had known all along. BUT it showed me how to use these tools that I had been carrying ( the ‘knowledge’ ). It gave me insights that liberated me from myself. It showed and taught me how to use this knowledge in everyday life, regardless of troubles or not.

A big part of this overwhelming sense of liberation came from practicing meditation during these 5 days. I was supposed to continue meditating everyday for the next 40 days before I would be ready to enroll in Discipline Two. I didn’t do this. I stopped meditating completely.

Of course I had my reasons for not ‘being able’ to do it. I had a whole list of reasons. Strangely, I would work at ticking off these reasons, only to add just as many new ones. Finally there were no more reasons and I just accepted that I simply did not feel like doing it. This was the latest, longest reason.

Slowly, I was back on the rollercoaster ride. I felt even worse. I had experienced, I had caught a large glimpse of myself that I loved. But again, I had slipped.

I met Ann around 2 months ago. I spent 3.5 hours with her, she did all the talking. She knew nothing of me. She kept saying that I needed to meditate, on a daily basis.

And so I did.

And now, now I know.

My world has changed. It has changed tremendously.

While most know about the path they walk, I too realized that we start walking our paths ever since we are born. Whether we like it or not, our journey has begun. But I believe the real ‘truth’ that we seek, the love, contentment and peace within that we would like for ourselves is ours to experience ONLY when we each open the gate on our individual paths. This isn’t a given. It is a choice that some make, and some don’t. Others perhaps oblivious, or simply not believing in this hocus-pocus talk. Their intellectual minds are too ‘intellect’ to succumb to this ‘spiritual’ talk. Freedom of choice exists and so each of us can choose as we please.

I have chosen to open the gate on my path, that I (simply) know will lead me to the Light. The light is home. The light is my own self like I have never seen, met or known before.

This walk on the path has been a lot kinder to me since I stilled my mind. It has been beautiful. In fact, I see no path anymore. It’s just an open vast space. Sparkling with colored diamonds.

I found peace.
And an abundant land of love.
Within.
I see this land even with my eyes open.

I am on my way home.
To a land of vast beauty within.

This is my invitation to you, to join me.

“That our endless and impossible journey toward home is in fact our home… To envision us approaching and pounding on this door, increasingly hard, pounding and pounding, not just wanting admission but needing it; we don’t know what it is but we can feel it, this total desperation to enter, pounding and ramming and kicking. That, finally, the door opens… and it opens outward – we’ve been inside what we wanted all along.” – David Foster Wallace

ABOUT THE COLUMNIST

Nell-Lynn Perera’s favorite past times are writing proses and painting. Being able to connect with people through them has encouraged her to continue doing both with a growing passion. Many times upon reading her poems or looking at her artwork, people assume that she’s living through what she wrote or painted – not necessarily so. She writes to inspire people mostly, even if it’s through a dark piece of writing or art. In life, she’s realized most things are relative. And everything shall pass. This is the beauty of life.

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